So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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