i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
