What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I supernannyed him into submission
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