you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
