maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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