How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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