9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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