I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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