maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
