I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
