It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
