she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
