Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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