Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
