I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Randomize
