textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
