M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
