apparently the secret to your success is patron
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
