If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
