The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
