We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
