the day after is always just damage control
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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