did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
