I wanna bring you to show and tell
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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