Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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