dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
