there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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