the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
honey bunches of taint.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
