I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
