Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
