Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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