Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
