alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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