just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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