i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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