This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
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The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
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Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
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