Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
