If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Randomize
