I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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