Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
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