Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
