I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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