that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
