I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
