Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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