dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
