Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
