I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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