I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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