All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
cat food counts as protein by the way
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Randomize
