my sisters under your porch take her home
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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