the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
