So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
