I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize