I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
