We're like a lot better than the average bears
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Alive.
So much puke
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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