Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
