i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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