the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
i out mim tonsoeep
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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