I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
